Just An Event At Work
The everyday dynamics of navigating gender, ability, socioeconomic class, race, sexuality, and our other social identities is complex. There is lot that is unspoken and assumed, lying right below the surface of the words and gestures we use to interact. Bringing these interactions under the microscope to explore their impact in a way that holds our social identities at the center is helpful. Many people never consider or think about these things. Further, as a Black person doing diversity and inclusion work professionally I am overwhelmed by opportunity to use my microscope for others to see. Simply stated, there are times I feel it is my responsibility to share about interactions with others across difference because of how insightful the moment and resulting analysis can potentially be for others. Recently, I had a series of those interactions at a work event, all with White people. The interactions and evening exhausted me.
Photo Credit: @garrettpsystems
I do not share this story with an intention to shame or call out; rather, it is with an intention to make abundantly clear the (micro)interactions I experience with White people - at the social group level - that are deeply seated in and move through racist ideas, stereotypes, and generalizations. Whether a White person is conscious or intends for these interactions to have this impact is not the point; they land with the weight of racism conferred by a system that says you can engage me, a Black man, in this way, and I am not supposed to retort nor feel negatively impacted.
Many people in attendance were excited to meet me because at the time, I was new. Graduates from the late 70’s through recent years were represented. Several people were intent on asking me questions, picking my brain, and learning about my perspective of the school thus far. In these conversations several things were said or done by White people that required extra effort for me to respond to and interpret the meaning of:
“What did you do before here?”
More than once, I was asked “What did you do before here?” On it’s face it seems like a curious question to get some perspective on my previous experience and how it may help me do my current job. This event was not an interview. And, this question is a thinly veiled attempt at credentialing, where my response - the Harvard Graduate School of Education - is supposed to assure you that I deserve to be in this role. This is racist. Your question sits on a belief or assumption that Black people don’t belong in leadership roles, and surely not at this school. And if that’s not your belief, what relevance is what I did previously? Clearly, someone important enough to make a decision to hire me believes that I should be in this role. Further, who are you - as a person unfamiliar with this work - to evaluate whether my previous experience qualifies me to do this current job. My response, filled with my academic pedigree and astute career background, is more than satisfactory. And, I know deep down you would not ask a White person this question; and, if you did, so what - when you ask a person of color the impact is felt and experienced as racism.
Checking your phone.
Generally speaking, checking your phone while talking to someone at a reception-like event is rude. And, it feels extra rude when you don’t offer an explanation (i.e. “I need to take a call from my boss.” or “My child is supposed to check-in when they get home.”) What turns the rudeness up further is when you are asking the questions and probing into me, and now I am expected to wait for you to finish your phone conversation to answer the questions you’ve posed to me. Further, when a White person does this, it feels dismissive and slightly belittling. The meta-message is that your time is not as valuable as mine, and you can wait for me. "No, I can’t and I’m not interested." As a White person, if you need to check your phone in conversation with a person of color, please explain yourself and assure them of the significance of the call and the importance of the conversation that you are having with them.
Photo Credit: @scottiewarman
"I’m sorry I don’t mean to interrupt”
Yes you did mean to interrupt. If you didn’t mean to interrupt, you would have waited patiently for me, or someone in the conversation to acknowledge and invite you into the conversation. Yes, I get that party and reception conversations are hard social circumstances, and you may not have a chance to speak, if you just don’t squeeze in, and it’s frustrating and racist for White people to interrupt people of color. Similarly it’s sexist for men to interrupt women and trans people. This is a pattern of behavior that happens at the social identity group-level. And, it’s exhausting to navigate because I am perceived as rude if I don’t allow you to interrupt. Once tonight I allowed the interruption, and a second time, I didn’t. I asked the White person to wait as I finished telling a story to two women of color.
“I’m just giving you a hard time.”
As one White man asked me several questions, he inserted at some point: “I’m just giving you a hard time.” You providing an explanation to your questions, doesn’t change the fact that you are questioning me. And, it is not pleasant, helpful, fun, or a value-add to my day to have another White person questioning me. Further, what positions or allows you to give me a hard time. Does your status as an alum entitle you to “pick my brain?” Or, do you think because you are older than I am (so you perceive), you can drill me on my world perspective connected to my work? Regardless, it’s not an effective way to engage me, and like other behaviors I don’t think “you just give a hard time” to other White people. Not to mention that White people literally give me a hard time all day; I do not need you helping their cause.
Strung together over a couple hours with a constant smile held in tact, I moved through each interaction diplomatically and deliberately, carefully choosing how I would respond and how much I would let on that I was feeling frustrated on the inside. Certainly, no one knows what the intentions were of any of the folks with whom I interacted with that evening, yet in the face of world with grave meaning and outcomes for people of color, the impact weighed. Most would share that these interactions are normal, everyday, and constant occurrences for people of color. As small insight into them, as conveyed by what is written here, i’m hopeful consideration, reflection, and change for some is what follows.